Fight like a girl
In early June, President Donald Trump and one-time government employee Elon Musk started sparring on social media after their very public breakup. The two traded insults, lobbed accusations, and made some exciting threats.
The tone of these posts might be described as juvenile or mean or emotional or petty. And because of this, Trump and Musk were often described as fighting like girls. In feminine, or maybe effeminate, ways.
It is generally understood that calling men feminine or effeminate or girly is an insult. The implication? That they should be behaving differently — and better.
So let’s dig into that. How does our language suggest that women and girls have less value than men and boys? And what are the consequences?
I talk all the time about the power and complexity of language.
Language is the most complicated human tool and skill that we use. Here are just two of its important functions:
The language we produce reflects the way we think about the world. When we look closely at someone’s communication, we get insights into how they are thinking and feeling.
The language we encounter creates and amplifies and adjusts our mental models. In other words, the language around us significantly affects how we categorize and understand and value the world around us.
An analysis of English as its used today shows us that the culture at large sees women and girls as being less important, less competent, and having less value than men and boys.
I’m going to show you ten ways that language suggests that women and girls hold less value. Ten might seem like a lot, but it is in fact a tiny subset of what is actually going on out there.
Before I dive in, my usual caveat: there are more than two genders, and a whole lot of people are not neatly female or male. However, my research shows that perception of gender is what matters when it comes to language. If someone perceives you to be female or male, then their language will reflect that, regardless of your actual gender.
1. Calling a bunch of men or boys “girls” or “ladies” is an insult. Think about the coach in the locker room, about to reprimand a team that hasn’t performed well in the first half. “Listen up, ladies!” or “Hey, girls!” will immediately signal his displeasure.
Meanwhile, a coach talking at halftime to a woman’s team would never start “Listen up, men!” or “Hey, boys!” to show that they’re upset.
Mental model reflected and amplified: Women and girls have less value than and are less competent than men and boys.
2. Male-specific language masquerades as language that represents everyone. But female-specific language never does. I see male-specific language used for mixed-gender groups all the time, like you guys, hey guys, craftsmen, businessmen, man hours, manning, mankind, and many, many more. Even in newspapers that have style sheets supporting accuracy and precision!
But a mixed-gender group would balk at being addressed as “hey, gals.” Readers would react negatively to womankind used to represent all people. A mixed-gender group of artisans wouldn’t want to be referred to as craftswomen. Etc.
Mental model reflected and amplified: Men are the humans who matter. Men are the definition of humanity.
3. Unknown animals are assumed to be male. For example, someone posts a picture of a lizard and says, “This little guy showed up on my deck today.” Or points to a bird singing in a tree and says, “He’s been chirping for hours.” Or walks up to an unknown dog and asks the owner, “Can I pet him?”
Mental model reflected and amplified: Males are the default. When you don’t know, assume that it’s male.
4. Unknown or generic people are described as male. I just finished a book you might describe as “medical self-help.” The author describes specific male and female patients he has helped, but any time he talks about a hypothetical or general situation, the human involved is described as male. “Imagine a baby, learning how to crawl. He starts by…” Or, “Let’s say a student is starting first grade. His teacher might tell him…”
Mental model reflected and amplified: Males are the default. When you don’t know, assume that it’s male.
5. Men are disproportionately cited as sources and experts. Men make up around 50% of humanity, but studies show that on the news, 70% of the people seen, quoted, and heard are men. What’s more, 80% of the people presented as expert sources are men.
Mental model reflected and amplified: Women do not have expertise. It is not important to listen to or see women.
6. There is a respect gap when referring to professional men and women. People seen as female are often presented or referred to using their first name only, while people seen as male are presented with their title and last name. This is true even for women in power, including in prominent political positions.
A name-changed example I once witnessed: “Please meet Kate, one of our most popular professors. And this is Dr. Smith, who just got that big grant I was telling you about.”
Mental model reflected and amplified: When dealing with men, it is important to calculate how much respect they deserve. Respect and professional standing are less important for women.
7. Constant Bechdel test fails. The Bechdel test (also known as Bechdel-Wallace) is a way to evaluate a work of fiction. How do you pass the Bechdel test? It’s simple. You have a) at least two female characters who are named, b) that have at least one conversation, c) that isn’t focused on a man.
So simple, right? And yet film after film, including Oscar winners, fail.
You can run this test for race as well. It’s not pretty.
Mental model reflected and amplified: Males are the default. Men are the humans who matter.
8. Boy names become girl names, but girl names don’t become boy names. Throw a suffix like -a or -lle or -tte or -ine on a boy’s name and it becomes a girl’s name. Alexandra, Michelle, Charlotte, Josephine. Or take a boy’s name and give it to a girl — it will go through a stage of mixed-gender use but will probably end up female-only. Ashley, Allison, Carol, Hilary, Lauren, Whitney. All were once names only for boys and men.
This expansion of a name to another gender only goes one direction: from male to female. That’s because the “flavor” associated with girls and women holds too much of a taint. Parents like boys’ names for girls; parents do not like girls’ names for boys.
(Note that when it comes to baby names, the parents are just guessing gender based on biology.)
Mental model reflected and amplified: Women and girls have less value and objects associated with them aren’t good enough for men and boys.
9. Some people only look at, talk to, and listen to the man. I have multiple examples of mixed-gender conversations where the man or men are the focus. This is famously true for salespeople, especially for purchases like cars. But I even have examples where male job candidates basically ignored a woman interviewing them.
A female professor I know was holding interviews for a short-term academic position. She told me that two different male candidate addressed pretty much all their responses to the two male professors on the panel and didn’t really look at or talk to her. They somehow missed that she was the ultimate decision maker, the person in the room with the most power.
They did not get that job.
Mental model reflected and amplified: Men are the humans who matter. Women do not have expertise. It is not important to listen to or see women.
10. Grown women are called girls. I just finished a novel by a local author, written in and set mostly in San Francisco. Tech plays a significant role. So I wasn’t surprised that every important character but one was male. (In fact, here is how one off-stage character is described: “Nobody knows his real name; nobody knows what he looks like. He might be a she, or even a collective. In my imagination, though, Grumble is a he, not much older than me.” Both the author and his narrator assume technical people are men.)
But I was surprised that the lone female character was referred to as a girl throughout the whole novel. She is in her 20s, she is a computer scientist, she has a Stanford degree, she has an important job in data visualization at Google, her access to technology helps solve the puzzle at the heart of the book.
But she is a girl. Not one male character is a boy. They are all guys or men.
I wish this novel was an isolated example. But calling grown women girls is all around us.
Mental model reflected and amplified: Men are adults, but women aren’t fully adult. Men deserve respect, agency and autonomy. Women do not and should be governed by men.
What can you do?
We are living at a time of global assault on women’s rights, agency, and bodily autonomy. And the mental models that are being reinforced with the language listed above contribute to that assault. They suggest that women and girls don’t matter, don’t need to be represented, don’t need to be listened to, aren’t fully adult, aren’t as competent, don’t have as much expertise, and don’t have as much value. It adds up!
The good news about language is that it is catchy. So if you make changes, chances are that the people around you will start picking those changes up without even realizing it.
So even though you’re just one person, when you optimize your language, there are sure to be ripple effects. Counteractions to the above actions:
Don’t call people “girls” or “ladies” as an insult. And push back when you hear it.
Upgrade to more accurate language that represents everyone, like switching from mankind to humankind.
Use more accurate language to refer to unknown animals, since chances are that half of them are female.
Use more accurate language to refer to theoretical or generic people. Maybe switch to plural if you aren’t comfortable with singular they. “Think about babies as they learn to crawl…”
Look for gender balance when quoting and spotlighting people and when sourcing experts.
Use Title Lastname consistently for all genders.
If you’re creating something, make sure women are playing an important role. And call out fictional works that fail Bechdel.
Not much you can do about the unidirectionality of boy names becoming girl names.
Give feedback to people who only look at, talk to, and listen to the men in a mixed-gender conversation. Your choice for in the moment or later.
Don’t refer to grown women as girls. And push back when you hear it.
If you’re giving feedback to people on how to upgrade their language, the underlying mental models can be useful. “Did you realize that when you call women girls, you’re suggesting that they’re not fully adult? And this implies that women don’t deserve full autonomy and should be guided and governed by men.”
Upgrading to more precise and accurate language can help, because it feeds into and can shift our underlying categories and values. The more we can root out bias in and upgrade our mental models, the better decisions we can make.
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