Icebreakers: Safe and Unsafe

 

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the question

“We had a kickoff meeting for a new project earlier this month. At the start of the meeting, my manager said, ‘Let’s do a quick ice breaker, since many of us haven’t met. Tell me, what are your plans for Mother’s Day this Sunday?’ I know one of my coworkers just lost his mom, he looked pretty emotional, and someone else on the call looked super upset. Meanwhile, my manager was so excited to tell us all about her brunch and shopping plans with her mom and daughters.

 

So do you have advice or guidelines for ice breakers? This one was so bad and I think my manager didn’t even notice how she ruined the mood.”

the answer

Words matter, and language has power. And, as we see from this story, even one well intentioned question can ruin a conversation, a meeting, maybe even someone’s whole day.

What happened here?

This manager violated a few of my Principles of Optimized Language. So, it’s no surprise that she ended up with a sub-optimal outcome.

Let’s break it down.

Humans need social connection

What did the manager do right?

Well, she recognized that human beings require social connection. Recent research suggests that social needs are as important to our health as basic physical needs like food and sleep. Our brains and neurons drive us to be in contact with and connect with other people.

So, it makes sense to do things that promote social connections among coworkers. This doesn’t mean that colleagues need to become good friends, hang out after work, or share lots of personal information with one another.

But it does mean that project work and team dynamics can be improved when we see each other as people (and not just cogs in the machine) and feel connected in some way.

And an ice breaker is, in principle, an easy way to do this.

What’s the problem?

CW: family status, fertility, death

 

For some people, ice breakers are unpleasant because they seem cheesy or corny or cringe.

But a bad ice breaker can be a lot worse than just awkward. It can actually feel unsafe, make someone feel forgotten about or unimportant, or remind people of painful things they’re working to compartmentalize or forget.

The manager asking about Mother’s Day plans didn’t take into account a few Principles of Optimized Communication:

  • Reflect reality

  • Incorporate other perspectives

  • Prevent erasure

  • Recognize pain points 

This manager forgot the reality that Mother’s Day isn’t a happy day for everyone. She herself loves Mother’s Day and didn’t remember that this isn’t everyone’s perspective. The manager erased people who have had different experiences from her, such as people who have lost their mother, people who are estranged from an abusive mother, people who grew up with two fathers, and people who would like to have children but haven’t been able to. And she didn’t recognize that this topic might cause some people pain.

Ice breakers gone wrong

Here are a few examples of ice breakers gone wrong — each one violated at least one principle I listed above.

  • A company asked everyone to send in a photo of themselves as a young child. Then, at the holiday lunch, the photos were posted on a wall and everyone was asked to guess who was who. This one went wrong in two ways: 1) there was only one Asian employee, and everyone made jokes about how easy it was to tell it was him; 2) one employee grew up in foster care and didn’t have even one photo to share, so she wasn’t on the wall.

  • A manager started a team call with, “Let’s learn more about each other. How many kids does everyone have?” Multiple people on the call did not have children, for various reasons.

  • An ice breaker asked people to talk about their vacation plans for the summer. But while the managers and executives talked about fun travel plans, the majority of employees were near minimum wage and couldn’t afford to go anywhere.

  • An ice breaker required extensive eye contact, which both shy and autistic participants found unbearable.

Guidelines

What should you avoid in an ice breaker?

  • Forcing people to reveal too much information about themselves (like sexual orientation, where they live, or political views)

  • Covering topics that may be painful or even traumatic (like parental status or family history)

  • Forcing physical contact (like hugs or hand holding)

  • Accidentally highlighting that a few people are different from everyone else (like childhood photo guessing games)

  • Forcing people to do something childish or infantilizing (like games associated with childhood)

 

What should you look for in an ice breaker?

  • Information that gives people a “conversational hook” that they can return to later

  • Information that might show people they share common ground

  • Topics of conversation that are appropriate for work

 

Here are some examples of ice breakers that thread the needle:

  • Coffee, tea, or something else?

  • If you had to give a TED talk tomorrow, what would it be on?

  • A tv show or movie or book you’ve enjoyed this year?

  • What’s something on your desk you use a lot (besides your computer)?

  • Is there some work jargon you love or hate?

  • Do you prefer phone call, text message, email, or something else?

  • What’s one thing you wish everyone knew about your role?

 

Connecting with coworkers can improve feelings of safety and engagement, and some level of social connection is absolutely required for a team to be functional and productive.

Ice breakers can be a quick and effective way to remind colleagues that they are all people — people who may have shared expertise, interests, or likes/dislikes.

You just have to thread the needle and choose topics that people feel safe talking about. While the wrong ice breaker can ruin a meeting, or even a whole day, a good ice breaker can leave a group of people feeling closer and more bonded than before.

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Suzanne Wertheim