Let's Talk Inclusive Language: Can we move beyond “sir” and “ma’am”?
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This month we look at a brief but profound question from a reader:
Is there a gender-neutral replacement for sir and ma’am when u want to be a bit more formal?
The [2023] short answer is: sadly, no. Not yet.
[But see my 2025 update at the end of the article!]
I talk about this current gap in the lexicon as part of Chapter 3 of my book, The Inclusive Language Field Guide. Here’s an excerpt from that chapter that I’ve edited down a bit.
Still from a Bugs Bunny cartoon / Warner Bros media
“It was literally beaten into me that I should always use sir and ma’am with adults,” Dani said. “But I’m nonbinary. And I really don’t want to misgender people. Lord knows, I get how upsetting that is. So, what do I do?”
Dani is in a bind, and chances are good that you are too.
In English, gender makes it complicated to address people respectfully. The English language has developed so that gender almost always plays a role when you decide which words of respect to use. One way this shows up is with honorifics. Honorific is the term for a word or word part that signals respect and politeness.
Think about the standard honorifics that until recently were the only English options to use before someone’s name to show respect.
Mr., Miss, Mrs.
If someone appeared to be male, you chose Mr. Here, gender was the only factor.
But it was more complicated if someone appeared to be female. Until recently, to be polite you needed to know not only their gender but also their marital status. Female and not married? Miss. Female and married? Mrs.
In the 1950s, people got frustrated that marital status came into play only when addressing women. And they came up with a new honorific that was equivalent to Mr.—Ms. The honorific Ms. removes marital status from the politeness equation.
But now that we are finally taking into account the realities of gender, Mr. and Ms. aren’t enough. Because some people are nonbinary and don’t feel comfortable with a male honorific or a female honorific. And some other people fit in the gender binary but feel that gender, like marital status, should be irrelevant to politeness.
So now there is also Mx., which is pronounced like the word “mix” by some people and like the word “mucks” by others. Mx. is a way to remove both marital status and gender identity from politeness.
Photo taken from the Daily Mail, who got it from littlethings.com
In the US, there has been a move over the last few decades away from honorifics and toward first names only. So you might be someone who almost never says Mr. or Ms.
Being aware of people’s preferences—for more or less formality, and which honorific to use when being formal—is an important way of showing respect. For example, if someone doesn’t want to be called Mr. Lastname but instead Firstname only, then the respectful thing to do is call him by his first name only.
It’s also good to be on the alert for the common “respect gap” when it comes to gender and honorifics. People seen as female are often presented or referred to using their first name only, while people seen as male are presented with their title and last name. “Please meet Kate, one of our most popular professors. And this is Dr. Smith, who just got that big grant I was telling you about.”
The same is true for disabled people, who are also frequently presented without their titles. To close the respect gap, use Title Lastname for all genders and for both abled and disabled people.
When it comes to honorifics such as sir and ma’am, the English language doesn’t currently have a widely used option that’s gender neutral. I wish I had an easy solution that I could present with a flourish right here. But I don’t.
But even so, we always want to avoid misgendering people.
So what do you do if you’re on the street and want to politely get someone’s attention to ask for directions? You could try skipping address terms like sir and ma’am altogether and showing your politeness with your tone and other words. Or you might say something like “Excuse me, friend.” Or “Excuse me, kind person.” Or something else you feel comfortable with. If you’re in retail or hospitality, you might say “Can I help the next guest?” Or, “I believe the person in the green shirt was next.”
Because when we are trying to be polite with someone and show them respect, we want to make sure that we are also respecting their gender identity, no matter what it might be
And there you have it.
I have high hopes that younger people, probably members of Gen Z, will come up with something to fill this gap. Comrade is in principle a good one, but probably too communist to ever catch on. And friend probably has too many Quaker connotations.
But hopefully in a decade or so, there will be a widespread gender-neutral alternative to sir and ma’am that we can use with confidence. In the meantime, we can absolutely use sir and ma’am with people we already know when we know they prefer it. And we’ll have to find our own alternatives for people whose preferences are not yet known to us.
2025 Update!
I have received word from the American southeast that, like I suspected, Gen Z people have come up with something to fill the gap.
Sirma.
A reader wrote to tell me that this word is being used by young people in their region of Arkansas.
This makes sense. Because in this region, there is strong social pressure to use a polite honorific like sir or ma’am to address someone. And, especially among younger people, there is also a strong social pressure to not misgender someone. The force of these two pressures seems to have pushed them to come up with a new form, the gender-neutral sirma.
So there are now three options for these speakers: 1) sir, for someone known to be male; 2) ma’am, for someone known to be female; and 3) sirma, for someone whose gender is not yet known or someone who doesn’t fit into the gender binary.
It is fun to have a prediction come true! Let’s see if sirma expands its range — I hope it does. And if you have been searching for a gender-neutral alternative, this new word is now out there for you. Cutting-edge in 2025, possibly much more normal in 2035.
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