What’s a real apology?
“I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.”
Did you ever have someone say this to you and realize that it doesn’t feel like a real apology? I think a lot of us have, including in languages other than English. Let’s break down why.
First, let’s look at a few examples of apologies that just don’t do what an apology needs to do.
In a 2022 Variety interview, Kim Kardashian said, “I have the best advice for women in business. Get your [expletive] ass up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days.”
When it became clear that a whole lot of people were angry and offended by her comments, Kardashian put out a statement that said, “I’m really sorry if it was received that way.”
English-speaking politicians sometimes apologize using the classic accountability-deflecting phrase “mistakes were made.” For example, President Ulysses Grant said it about his administration’s scandals, President Ronald Reagan said it about the Iran-Contra scandal, President Bill Clinton said it about fundraising scandals, and President George W. Bush said it about the Abu Ghraib torture and abuse scandal.
The non-apology is so common that it also shows up in memes. Here is one of my favorites:
In case you are not familiar with the first Star Wars movie, the villainous Darth Vader has, in fact, just used his Death Star to blow up Leia’s home planet of Alderaan.
We can get scientific about what’s missing from those apologies that aren’t making anyone feel better (except maybe the person saying them).
Social science research, such as Lewicki and Polin 2012, has found six important components of apologies. These components appear not only in US English, but also in other languages and countries. They are:
Expression of regret
Explanation of what went wrong
Acknowledgement of responsibility
Declaration of repentance
Offer of repair
Request for forgiveness
Let’s say a company keeps on scheduling important events at times that some people can’t make for religious reasons. In the last few years, they have scheduled an awards luncheon during Ramadan (when some of their employees are fasting during the day), they have scheduled a leadership retreat during Rosh Hashanah (when a few of their leaders will be observing the holiday in temple), they’ve scheduled a pizza party during Passover (when some employees can’t eat pizza), and they have also scheduled important project planning meetings during Diwali (when some employees are traveling home to be with their families).
After these scheduling issues come to the attention of the CEO (who has gone to a workshop on repairing communication missteps at work), he puts out a statement that includes all six components of apologies.
Expression of regret. “I’d like to apologize — I’ve learned that we have been fumbling our scheduling of important events. In particular, we’ve been insensitive to scheduling conflicts with religious observance.”
Explanation of what went wrong. “Our company calendar didn’t include holidays beyond federal, state, and Christian holidays. Because of this, when people were scheduling events, they either forgot about or just didn’t know about potential religious conflicts.”
Acknowledgement of responsibility. “It is [company] leadership’s fault that we have not set up systems to make sure that our scheduled events work for everybody.”
Declaration of repentance. “I’m genuinely sorry that we accidentally excluded people and showed them that they weren’t being taken into consideration.”
Offer of repair. “We are working on integrating all holidays into our company calendar. We will also build a protocol for scheduling company-wide events that will make sure that these kinds of conflicts don’t happen again.”
Request for forgiveness. “I hope you will forgive us for these past mistakes. We will strive to do better in the future.”
Photo by Brice Cooper (via Unsplash)
It is nice to get an apology with all six of these components, but only two of them are absolutely necessary for the apology to do the repair work it is meant to do.
Can you guess which two are the must haves? The two that, if they are missing, an apology might be considered a non-apology?
Research shows that in order for an apology to fix something, to repair a rupture in a relationship, it absolutely must contain #3, an acknowledgement of responsibility, and #5, an offer of repair.
Look at how these two components are missing from low-quality pseudo-apologies:
“I’m sorry if I offended you.”
“I’ll apologize if you do.”
“I was just joking!”
“I already said I was sorry.”
“I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.”
“I feel so bad that this happened.”
I’ll add to this that a real apology won’t just have an offer of repair — it will include actions that follow up, implement that offer, and actually do the repair work.
For example, a manager kept on mispronouncing one report’s name and using an outdated name for another report. The manager would include components 3 and 5 when she would apologize: “I’m so sorry, this is my fault. I promise I’ll get your name right in the future.” But she didn’t put in any effort to fix her pronunciation or to try to remember to use the current name. So she messed up consistently and then would repeat her same apology.
At a certain point, if your apology includes an offer of repair but then you never make that repair? The apology has become an empty promise and is only further damaging a relationship instead of repairing it.
Not every apology is a real apology!
When you know that a real apology acknowledges accountability and lays out a plan to repair the damage, you can identify and call out insincere, face-saving, and responsibility-deflecting apologies.
Once you can name the patterns and the moving parts, it makes it easier to hold people accountable for fixing the damage they have done.
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