From boys to men: Hidden messages
“Be a man.”
“They’re just boys.”
“Bro! Can you believe it?”
“Dude, what’s up?”
When you’re talking to or about a male person, you’ve got some options. You can refer to them as a boy or a man, and you might address them as bro or dude.
Especially when it comes to choosing between boy and man, the hidden messages that come along with each word can make a real difference.
Last month, I wrote about distorted and damaging uses of the words woman, girl, and female. By request, I’m following up with a look at the male side of things.
In principle, like with girl and woman, the dividing line between boy and man is simple. A male person who is 18 and older is a man, and a male person who is under 18 is a boy.
But humans are complicated and language is complicated and the use of words like boy and man is also more complicated than just “is he an adult or not?” As always, we want to look for language distortions and unpack their hidden messages.
1. Accountability
Word choice can subtly suggest if a person should or should not be held accountable for their actions and which actions should trigger accountability.
Boy and man are commonly used in distorted ways that suggest we should inappropriately minimize blame — or assign blame where it doesn’t belong.
You’ll see this when adult men doing problematic things are referred to as boys. This is an example of the distortion I call softening language, designed to make their words or actions seem less problematic and more acceptable.
For example, in October 2025, Politico leaked thousands of pages of text messages among Young Republicans (a group where members range from 18 to 40). These Telegram chats included pro-Hitler, pro-slavery, pro-gas chamber, and misogynistic messages. As part of their defense, some of the men exposed in the leak were called boys and kids.
On the flip side, children may be described as young men or just men to make them seem more responsible and blameworthy than they really are. This is an example of the distortion I call inflating language, designed to present unproblematic behavior as unacceptable or even dangerous.
For example, here in the US we commonly find the “adultification” of Black boys (and girls). Seeing these children as more adult and threatening has led to them being shot by homeowners whose doorbell was rung, by passersby, and by police. In reports to the police and about shootings, male children are often called men or young men instead of boys or kids or children.
Look out for people over 18 being called boys, since chances are good you are being manipulated into ignoring or dismissing their inappropriate behavior. And look out for people under 18 being called men, as that distortion may be pushing you into seeing them as scarier, more threatening, and more to blame than they actually are.
2. Respect
Highlighting that someone is a man or manly is a common way to suggest that they are strong, deserve respect, and are an authority figure.
“Man up!”
“He’s a real man.”
“He’s so manly.”
The hidden message here is that being a woman, a member of “the opposite sex,” is the opposite. Someone who is not strong, someone who should give respect rather than receive it, and someone who should obey (manly) authority figures.
(Note that the English language hasn’t caught up yet with the scientific realities of gender, so people still commonly talk and act as if there are only two genders that are in opposition to each other.)
These uses of man and manly to point to authority, respect, and domination are so pervasive that they subtly feed and prop up mental models where men are superior. Mental models where men rightfully control, rule over, and decide what is appropriate for women that they work with, women in their families, and even women who are strangers they’ve encountered out in public.
This mental model is especially dangerous because something about our brain wiring means human beings often get angry when someone we see as “below us” acts as if they are on our level (or even above us).
When it comes to gender, in the workplace I’ve seen this as men getting angry when female colleagues on the same level speak and act like their equals. It can be even worse when these women outrank them. Outside the workplace, women who are seen as “disrespecting” men by rejecting them, correcting them, or resisting them, are frequently victims of physical violence — sometimes deadly.
3. Man = Mankind = People
Many English speakers use male-specific words for an unknown or hypothetical person (or animal!). This is a distortion that basically erases people who aren’t male and sets up a model where male people are all people. Where man = mankind = humanity = all people.
Philosopher Monique Wittig wrote about ways language relates to gender and noted that masculine words don’t require a commitment to “maleness” the same way that feminine words represent “femaleness.” In other words, when gender isn’t relevant, you might use a neutral word (human) or a masculine word (man). But using a feminine word (woman) suggests that gender is relevant, and commits you to femaleness.
For example, we will call any first-year college student a freshman but never a freshwoman. We will talk generally about craftsmanship but not craftswomanship. We will commend sportsmanship, even in women’s sports, but never say sportswomanship. And we might say mankind to refer to humanity, but never womankind.
The word dude has been used for a while in the US to address people who aren’t male, even though it still retains a “flavor” of maleness. And on social media, I’m seeing an increasing use of bro to address a hypothetical viewer or spoken directly to a woman. I expect this will trend upward in the future.
So what’s the problem? Once again, distorted language supports and reinforces distorted mental models. When fully half of a population is being erased by language used to discuss the world at large or hypothetical situations, it is difficult to make accurate and grounded decisions.
What can you do?
Here in the US, we are in an ongoing accountability crisis, with blame shifting, blame dodging, and higher than usual levels of violence against peaceful civilians. But this isn’t limited to the US — accountability issues, blame shifting, and inappropriate violence can be found everywhere.
One way you can push back is by looking out for and correcting distorted uses of boy and man.
Is boy suggesting someone isn’t accountable for bad behavior? Is man suggesting that someone who is blameless should be blamed?
Are words that point to manliness and masculinity suggesting that men should be automatically respected, obeyed, and treated like authorities? Are you seeing men who hold these beliefs lashing out with physical and sometimes deadly violence?
Are man and other masculine words being used as if they can accurately represent all people? Is this leading to skewed and distorted decision making?
Let’s be as accurate as possible in our descriptions of and discussions of the world around us. If you’re in a time of crisis it may not feel like much, but every little bit helps.
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